Never Say Diet

I am almost at the end of month one of the unofficial, no particular program, just trying to count calories and eat more mindfully thing. 

My only real tools are a food scale and a nutrition app on my iPhone. I am not weighing or obsessing. Been there. Done that. I don't know how much weight I have lost. I do know that my face looks a bit thinner, my clothes are getting slightly looser, and my knees are not hurting as much. 

I am not doing anything drastic. I portion out my snacks in single servings, put them in baggies, and keep them in a basket on my counter. I have the calorie counts of each baggie programmed into my app. I have unsalted almonds, pretzels, gumdrops, and even chocolate chips ready when the need for a snack arises. I eat out, but I am eating child size portions in restaurants that offer them. Cracker Barrel has a child plate serving of grilled chicken tenders that is just the right amount. The child's menu at McAlister's offers smaller, but still tasty items. Even Fox's has a "bambino" pizza that is very reasonable, calorie wise, if not loaded with high fat toppings. That said, I will be going to Billy's tomorrow to have the chicken parmesan. It will be most of my calories for the day, but he has been closed for weeks. I need my fix. 

I don't have a goal weight. I figure anything I can get and keep off will help. 

Stay tuned. 

The Dads

It is hard to believe that it was only a month ago that we laid my father-in-law to rest. Even harder to believe that my Daddy has been gone for over a year now. 

Daddy and Mr. Sanders had the same March 28th birthday. Often this was celebrated on the nearest Saturday with a cookout at Daddy's Thompson Lake place. It was usually a bit chilly. but that never really mattered. 

I used to joke that, between them, they had the "Old Man" look covered. Khakis, Members Only jackets, slip on deck shoes or sneakers that closed with velcro, plaid shirts, and Daddy with his fishing hat. The uniform of at least 80% of men their age here in the South. 

Since I have been trying to eat less, I am beginning to realize how much I depended on food (especially late night snacking) to ease the pain of losing my two Dads. I did not really have time to mourn the loss of my Dad when Mr. Sanders became ill. Now, I seem to be experiencing the grief of both losses at once. 

I refuse to continue assuaging my sadness with food. I am just going to have to feel it. I don't like feeling it. Nobody does. 

I used to tell my patients that there were no real shortcuts through grief. Sooner or later, grief is going to surface. It may be days or it may be years later. But it will have to be faced, felt, and dealt with. 

And that time is now. 

Blessings

Yes, I am counting them tonight.

Due to some difficulties with my van, my husband was reluctant for me to go to Hermanville this morning. So, I stayed close to home and spent the day visiting with friends in three different hospital and nursing facilities.

The first visit was to "Miss Mary", who "kept house" for my Daddy until her health no longer permitted it. She is having her left leg amputated in the morning. Her right one is already gone. Instead of bemoaning her fate, she asked about my entire family and expressed condolences on the loss of my father-in-law.

My second visit was to Promise rehab facility to see my friend Sharon. Over the past few days, it has been my privilege to witness a miracle. Sharon had a stroke the day after Christmas, was unresponsive for days, and when she woke, was unable to speak. Today, she is talking, walking (with a walker for now) and rapidly getting back to normal.

The third visit was to a local nursing home to see "Big Bad John" as I call him. BBJ has been in intensive care, a rehab hospital, and now a nursing home since September 7th, after suffering acute respiratory distress and atrial fibrillation. He very nearly did not make it. I rejoiced as I watched a video his wife took of him walking (with a walker) down the hall to the nurses station, to the cheers of staff and residents alike.

My legs don't always work well, but I still have both of them. I sometimes have to use a walker, but I have never had a stroke. And I can't imagine being hospitalized in some fashion for 4 solid months.

After I finished visiting, I called 5 year old Mylie and took her out for a frozen yogurt. I felt like celebrating my friends and their triumphs.

And counting my blessings once again.

Photo a Day

A few months ago, I read about a "photo a day" challenge, sponsored by an Australian woman on her blog "Fatmumslim." Every month, she puts a list on her blog of an object or concept for each day. For example, this photo was inspired by the prompt "House." It does not have to be MY house. It can be any house. Creativity is encouraged!



These photos can be shared on her blog, her Facebook page, Instagram, etc. All my photos are taken with my iPhone camera and posted on Instagram. I share them on Facebook and Twitter from there. 

I have been a bit surprised at how much fun I have had doing this. Even on the busiest and most stressful of days, this challenge gives me something else to focus on during my day. The link to the blog with the guidelines is below. 

http://fatmumslim.com.au/photo-a-day-january-2013-inject-a-little-fun-into-your-everyday/

The "D" Word.

To quote "Garfield", Diet is DIE with a "T."  

I have got to figure out a way to lose at least some weight. I know most people have this as a New Year's resolution. However, I have some obstacles that make it extra difficult. I am going to have to figure something out. 

Obstacles:

1. My neuromuscular disease makes me exercise intolerant. My muscles are atrophying. They do not build up or gain strength. The more I try to use them, the weaker they get. 

2. Extensive food allergies:
Shellfish, ocean fish (tuna, salmon, cod, etc.) 
Oats and barley
Legumes (beans and peas) Also having trouble with peanuts now. 
Leafy greens (lettuce, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, greens, etc.)
Squash, zucchini, pumpkin, cucumbers
Most fruit: Strawberries, melons, apples, pears, grapes, bananas, kiwi, cranberries and anything in those families. 
Coffee

Yes, I did the elimination diet. Yes, I reacted to EVERYTHING on the list. 

3. Food intolerances
Milk, ice cream, yogurt, citrus, tomatoes, soy, beef, rice, peppers, and  corn: Can have these only occasionally due to reflux. Yes, I have had surgery and take medication daily. I still have reflux. 

4. Something in most of the "diet" foods gives me bad stomach problems. These do not get better over time. The frozen dinners are the worst. 

5. I have been warned not to overeat the fruits I am not allergic to, cherries, pineapple, blueberries, and peaches, because that could cause me to develop allergies to them later. 

6. Eating out (especially for lunch) is a big part of my social life since I had to retire. I need to have a reason to make myself get dressed and out. It would be really easy to sit on the couch. Lunch is when I connect with friends. 

7. I am essentially left with whole wheat bread, cheese, freshwater fish, chicken, pasta, potatoes, ground beef, pork, eggs, cashews, almonds, pecans, and onions that I can eat on a regular basis. 

8. Major pitfalls are a small freezer, grabbing snack food because it is easy, especially at night, when I am tired and don't want to cook, a husband who is a junk food junkie and very hard to please, and a deep and abiding love for chocolate. 

I am fairly fortunate that, despite my weight, I have no problems with blood pressure or blood sugar. But, I need to get some of the weight off my knees! There has to be a way to do it with my limited food choices and no exercise. The key for me is going to be portion control and limiting late night nibbling. 

I can do this. 

The House Without a Christmas Tree

When I was a little girl, there used to be a Christmas show on every year called "The House Without a Christmas Tree." The basic plot of this show was that this little girl's father, embittered by the fact that his wife died in childbirth while his child lived, refused to show this child any affection. He refused to celebrate Christmas, and this little girl had never had a Christmas tree. Of course, there was a happy ending to all this. The father woke up, smelled the coffee, and decided to get this child a tree and love her after all. 

For the past two years, due to the illnesses and deaths of first my father, and this year, my father-in-law, our house had been without Christmas trees. Just no time or energy to put one up. 

Until yesterday. 

My husband saw headlights in the driveway and looked out the window to see who was here. I saw a precious friend come up my steps bearing a lit and decorated Christmas tree. I brought it inside, made a star for it out of bead left over from making Christmon ornaments, and plugged it in. Then, I cried. 

Our house is no longer the house without a Christmas tree. 

My heart is full. 

Christmas Party

These past 3 Decembers have not exactly been conducive to Christmas celebrations. In 2010, my sweet stepmom was in ICU for several days. In 2011, my Daddy died after being in the hospital for 20 days on December 15th. And, of course, this year, my precious father-in-law passed away December 8th. There has simply been no time, or energy, to get things out of the shed and put them up. 

I am one who loves to decorate for Christmas. My tree is precious to me, decorated with hand crocheted snowflakes from my mother-in-law,  given to me and my husband on our first Christmas together. Old fashioned Santas given to me by my mother shortly before she passed away Christmas of 1990, that survived being in a room that was destroyed by a falling tree after Hurricane Andrew are lovingly placed every year. My tree topper was given to me by one of my dearest friends many years ago. I have a partial Nativity that my mother and I found in a "junk" shop in Jackson and fell in love with. 

So yesterday, I went to a Christmas party for the first time in several years. I had the most marvelous time. My friends Alex and Dylan had decorated beautifully, cooked a wonderful meal with the help of friends bringing in dishes "potluck" style, and had gifts for everyone. I was tired and in a certain amount of physical pain when I arrived, but I soon forgot all that in the company of fun and creative people. Many of these folks are young enough to be my children, but I enjoyed conversing with them more than most people my own age. They still have hope for the future and plans for how they want to get there. 

So even with no tree or decorations, no time to really buy Christmas gifts, and no energy to really "do" Christmas, I felt warm, valued, and loved. A tiny flicker of Christmas Spirit was ignited. And I am going to fan that flame. 

The Bird Clock

When my father-in-law passed away, I was asked by his family if there was anything I wanted to have to remember him by. I thought for a few moments and pointed to the "Bird Clock." 

Mr. Sanders had owned this Audubon Society "Singing Bird Clock" for years. And even after years of that clock being in his home, it still startled me everytime the hour struck and I was twittered, hooted, or honked at. I used to make my thumb and forefinger into a "gun" and pretend to shoot the darn thing. I think my little gesture used to amuse my father-in-law, somewhat. 

Today, the cotton pickin' bird clock was indeed brought into my home. And it is already startling the wits out of me on the hour. I am going to have to figure out just what to do with this thing. Maybe I can disable the bird calls and just use it as a wall clock? Or maybe I just need to continue to take the bad with the good. Have a listen. What would YOU do??

Goodbye, Mr. Sanders

My precious father-in-law passed away last night surrounded by all five of his children. Alice, Mike, Bill, Jerry, and Becky were  there to watch him take his last breath as he journeyed from this life to the next.

The thing Mr. Sanders was most proud of was his children. It delighted him that they all got along with each other. He was proud of the people they had become.

When I married into the Sanders family, Mr. Sanders "took me to raise." He treated me like I was "his." I never, ever felt like I was an outsider. I felt like I had a second "Dad." 

Rest in perfect peace, Mr. Sanders. You deserve it. 

Doomsday?

I actually know several people who are gathering supplies in anticipation of "Doomsday." Some people believe this event is going to happen because Obama was re-elected. Others believe that this is going to happen for other reasons. 

Don't get me wrong. I believe in keeping enough supplies around to get by during the average natural disaster. I have some bottled water, canned food, batteries, etc. And, probably, most of my neighbors here in Mississippi do as well. To me, that is just smart. 

But, this extensive hoarding for "Doomsday" is just not something I am going to do. First of all, if something happens and most of my loved ones are gone, I don't particularly want to be here either. I can't imagine a world where the only people alive are me and the other hoarders. Secondly, the idea of hoarding, to me at least, implies that I don't believe that God is going to provide for me. And, to this point, He always has. And I don't think He is going to stop providing anytime soon.

29 Years

Twenty-nine years ago, I stood in front of this mirror in Bill's aunt's house and, just for a moment, had a tinge of panic. Marriage? Forever? What was I getting myself into? 

Unlike so many these days, I really did not enter into marriage lightly or unadvisedly. I never thought of it as something I could get out of if I was unhappy or bored. 

When I married, I was 24, college was behind me (at least for the time being) and I had plans for the future. I was alone for about a year an a half between a previous relationship and Bill coming back into my life. 


That "alone" time turned out to be a really good thing for me. I had never been the kind of person who "needed" a man. Indeed, I feel sorry for people who "have" to be in a relationship. Who are afraid to be alone. Who allow their relationships to dictate who THEY are. I cringe when a couple tells me they "complete" each other. It takes two complete people to make a healthy relationship. My alone time gave time to think and decide what I really wanted out of a relationship. Honesty, trust, and respect were very high on my list. 

I am not saying that Bill and I have not had our ups and downs. We, like all married couples, certainly have. I wanted to call it quits when I lost my sense of self for awhile. But, we have learned to give each other space to pursue our individual passions. We have learned that we can be apart and still be "together." I love Bill, but I am not in this relationship because I "have" to have him. 

Like my psychology teacher once said "It takes two healthy "I's" to make a "We."

She was right.

Dad-less Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was my Daddy's holiday. He was an excellent cook who truly (with a  little bit of grumbling!) enjoyed hosting the yearly gathering. He would assign dishes to the rest of us, not trusting us with the turkey, the dressing, or his cream style corn. We could bring the lesser things like lima beans, stuffed eggs, and dessert. 

With Daddy, there was never any set limit on people who could be invited. Every year, he would have his children, his stepchildren, the spouses, the grandchildren, and the great-grandchildren. Also included were my sister's in-laws, and any other folks who needed a place to be on Thanksgiving. It was not unusual for people to be coming in and out to eat for several hours. There was always plenty.

This year will bring a lot of changes. My stepmom is having her family over to the house that she and Dad shared. My sister is having her in-laws at her home. And I will be attempting my first Thanksgiving dinner on my own for my seriously ill Father-in-Law, my husband, Bill, and Bill's two brothers. While the dressing, salad, veggies, and stuffed eggs will be from scratch, I am depending on Heavenly Ham for meats and my sweet stepmom for a promised pecan pie. 

While I am sure it will all be OK, the "man of the hour" will not be there on the other end of the phone to coach me through my dressing preparation or answer the million questions I realized I never had answers for until Dad was gone. 

What I would really rather do this holiday is to just take off to parts unknown for a week. But, if I left Thanksgiving Dinner to the dubious talents of the Sander's brothers, I would NOT be my father's child. Dinner will be as nice as I can possibly make it. 

Daddy would approve. 

Enough!

Every few days, I admit, I get overwhelmed with the number of requests that are made of me to share photos, copy statuses, and "like" pages.

If did this for all 462 friends, my wall would be unreadable, clog up the feeds of my friends, and not leave me any time to check on friends having a hard time, ask about their family members, and find out what I might be able to do to help. 

For the record, I live with several "invisible diseases." And I know and try to support my friends who are also living with these. I don't have to copy a "spiel" into my status to be aware of my friends who do suffer. Some choose to talk about their suffering. Some prefer not to. I try to honor my friends by letting them take the lead in such discussions.

Yes, I hate cancer. My Daddy died of this disease and My father-in-law is terminally ill with it. Not to mention other family members and friends I have lost over the years. Donations to the American Cancer Society, Blair Batson, and St. Jude's will do more for these folks than copying a status.

I hate animal abuse and give to organizations that try to prevent this. Sad, sick animals on my wall only make ME feel sad and sick too. I know what goes on and where to send my money. 

And the one that makes me the most crazy are the ones implying that unless I share this status or that picture, I am denying Jesus, don't believe in God, am ashamed of the Gospel, etc. None of this is true and not constantly sharing those things on my wall does not make me less of a Christian.

If I shared these every time I received them, my wall would never reflect "me." I try very hard not to "overshare" and I choose what I share very carefully. I have had to "hide" friends who clutter my wall with so many posts that I don't get the truly important things from other friends. Your latest 19 cat pix are cute, but I really want to know how another friend's surgery went. 

Be selective. Your friends will appreciate it. 

Civics 101

According to most current polls, approximately half of us are going to be disappointed on Election Day. 

So, how are we going to respond if the election does not go "our" way? Are we going to spend the next four years mired in "gloom and doom" thinking? Do we just "give up?"
I sincerely hope not. 

By design, our government is about more than one man (or woman). We have checks and balances in the form of congress and the US Supreme Court. 

So, if you are conservative, say extra prayers for Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito. If you are liberal, you might want to reserve those extra prayers for Justices Sotomeyer, Ginsburg, Kagan, and Breyer. Since Justice Kennedy is often the "swing vote", maybe we all need to say special prayers for him!

As for Congress, the US House of Representatives currently has a Republican majority. The US Senate has a Democratic majority. Because one third of the Senate changes every two years and the House members are elected for two year terms, things can change fairly frequently. You can work on the local level to help elect members of your chosen party. Get involved!

If you want the possibility of more choices for President in the future, consider voting Libertarian. If your state is already a lock for your party, but you are not ecstatic about your candidate, consider helping this party get recognition and funding for 2016. 

Work for your party! Think positively. Vote! 

And, seriously, pray for them ALL. 

"Become"

Back when I was first diagnosed with neuromuscular disease, asthma, and obstructive sleep apnea, I joined a number of online message boards in hopes that I would learn more about my illnesses and how to deal with them. 

I soon left the asthma board. There was not much activity and I was getting the education I needed from the staff at my doctor's office. Once I had a daily medication and a nebulizer, I had no real problems managing my asthma at home. 

I spent a couple of years on sleepnet.com, a message board for sleep disorders. That experience was priceless. I was finally able to get my C-Pap and mask setup right and having my apnea controlled was a major life changer. For the most part, the people on this board were positive, upbeat, and were determined to manage their condition as best they could and just keep on living.

The myasthenia gravis boards were a whole different story. They were very active and I did learn a lot. There were a number of people who were able to manage their illnesses, accept the things they could not change, and still have quality lives. Unfortunately, there were quite a few who "became" their illness. Their whole identities centered on being sick. They had no other interests or hobbies other than making trouble on the boards for other members, using their disability to manipulate friends and family, and bemoaning their fate. Don't get me wrong, neuromuscular diseases are not easy to manage. But, centering their lives completely on illness did not make them feel any better in the long term. Not mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. 

Don't get me wrong. I have the periodic "pity party." Add reflux, chronic neck and back pain, arthritis, menopause, life threatening allergies, and post herpetic neuralgia to the above list and there are times when it is hard to stay "up." And I can certainly understand that it can be hard not to get so caught up in the routine of doctors, surgeries, and medications that everything else can get lost in the shuffle. At one time, I had 11 doctors. I am now down to "only" 7. 

I am a singer. I am an artist. I am a writer. I am a friend, a sister, and a wife. 

I refuse to "become" my illnesses. 

"No Daddy" Birthday

Tomorrow will be the first birthday I have ever celebrated without my Daddy. I am still trying to totally wrap my head around the fact that he won't be calling me to sing his off key rendition of "Happy Birf Birf" to me. There are times when I can almost pretend he is still over at his house just 5 minutes away. But, this is not one of those times. This is one of those times when the "Daddy shaped" hole in my heart is aching. 

Maybe, if I listen very closely, I can "hear" the echoes of happy birthday songs past. More than a little off key of course. 

What it's Not...

Well, the good news is that I finally got my stitches out today.  And, while I still do not have an official diagnosis, I know what I don't have. I do not have muscular dystrophy. I do not have myasthenia, lupus, multiple sclerosis or anything autoimmune. But, my muscle fibers show signs of atrophy and we need to know why. 

Dr. Veda continues to do testing on my samples for mitochondrial diseases. He seems to think that is the problem. We just have to find out which kind I have. Samples will be sent off, and results can take months to come in.  I just have to be patient. I do have patience...somewhere!

Meanwhile, I just keep doing the best I can with what I have to work with. Some muscles are weaker than others. I still fatigue with ridiculous ease. But, I am thankful for what I do have. A visit to the neurology unit at University Medical Center makes it abundantly clear that things could be MUCH worse.

Debate

I just got through watching the first presidential debate. Quite frankly, I was not impressed with the performance of either candidate. I kept thinking, we have over 315 MILLION people in this great country. These two are the BEST we can do? 

And my Facebook feed was pretty discouraging during and after. Everything seemed to boil down to money. Don't get me wrong, money is very important. It is hard to focus on anything else when money is critically short. I don't mean having to cut out the daily Starbuck's coffee, not having the new iPhone, etc. I am talking about not being able to walk into a doctor's office and get care (BTDT) or passing out from not eating for three days (BTDT, too). These were both quite a while back, but I remember. 

Are these debates even really helpful? Do they really make anyone change his or her mind? Or just they just add fuel to the fire of divisiveness? 

Still Waiting

My trip to the doctor today did not yield the desired results. My leg is not healing swiftly or properly, so I left with those darn stitches still in, a prescription for an antibiotic, and another appointment for 11 days hence. 

My preliminary biopsy results show that there is no inflammation of the muscle, so  the problem is not autoimmune. The samples have been sent out of state to be analyzed for the presence of mitochondrial disease. 

I will be the first to admit that patience is not always my strong suit. Especially when it comes to my health issues. But, patience I must have. 

 So, I wait. 

"Miss Louise"

Louise Hudson, "Miss Louise" to me, celebrated being 96 years young yesterday. If I live to be 96, I hope I look this good. 

Another really neat thing is that, at 96, Miss Louise still has friends to celebrate with her. So many people her age have no friends left. But Miss Louise has spent her life making friends of all ages, including 52 year old ME. 

I am not quite sure just why Miss Louise "adopted" me at Crawford Street United Methodist Church. But, I am certainly glad she did. She has faithfully called me, prayed for me, sent me cards, and just loved me. The older I get, the more I treasure the people still on this planet with me who really and truly love me. 

I have long been slated to sing at Miss Louise's funeral when the time comes. At this rate, she may very well outlive me! 

We may have to find a back-up, just in case.