New Year

Don't worry! This is not a "year in review" type post. If you are like me, you are sick to death of the retrospectives clogging the internet, newspapers, and TV.

I try not to dwell too much in the past. I miss people who have died, usually around anniversary times. But I don't sit around constantly harping on the "good old days."

This is not to say that some of the old days have not been darn good. But, there is no time I want to go back to. I want to know what's ahead! I want to learn something new. I was among the first of my friends to get a Facebook account in 2007. Now, I am trying to figure out Twitter. I look forward to learning more about art and becoming better at watercolor. I want to relearn some of the French I have forgotten since college.

I may look back briefly, but I can't look forward if my head stays turned in the direction of my ass!

So, on to 2010!

Dec. 27

It seems hard to believe that we buried my mom 19 years ago today. It seems like missing her tends to hit this day more than the 25th. I guess it is because the Christmas doings keep me too busy to think much.

Some years are worse than others. For some reason, this one has hit me harder than the anniversaries have in several years. I don't really know why. I kind of envy people who do not lose a loved one near a memorable day. Then, there might be a chance of not really remembering.

I wonder what she would look like now as a 75 year old. I know she would have been crazy about the grandchildren she did not live to see. That is one of the things I most regret about losing her so relatively young. I get a little more like her every year. So much so that it is almost spooky.

So, today, I remember my mama. I shed a few tears. And then, I move on.

Just like she would want me to.

After Christmas

It's December 26th and the first day of Christmas is officially over. Of course, I celebrate all 12 days and don't take my tree down until after the first of the year.

This Christmas held a few surprises. Usually, I have to beg and plead for my husband to get the tree and decorations out of the shed in the back yard. This year, I had almost decided to forgo the decorating, and HE was the one who kept asking when I was going to put them up. I was not going to put the snowman decoration out front, and Bill was the one who did it one night while I was away. I guess he was not as enamored at the thought of no decorations as he may have thought.

I did not bake the first Christmas treat. I am trying to lose weight and I just could not handle having anything around the house. We got small portions of goodies when we went to gatherings. We survived!

The Christmas cantata rolled along without me for the second year in a row. I love Christmas music, but cheesy, modern cantatas are just not my thing. They wear me out and do nothing for my holiday spirits or energy.

There were are few things I realize I can no longer do very well at Christmas. One is sing at the 11:00 PM service. Awake, but too tired to be very effective. The annual cookie party has been moved to Valentine's Day and that will be OK.

Next on my list is to google how to get wax (from the candlelight Christmas Eve service) out of my best blouse.

Any ideas?

Still Looking

for answers as to why my fingers are weak, numb, and tingly. Saw the neurosurgeon today and he does not think the disc is the problem. He thinks the nerves are being pinched off at another site, most likely the elbow. Sooooo, that means more tests.

I did not really like this doc. I got a definite "crazy middle aged woman" vibe from him. I was referred for an EMG (Electromyography). These are painful, and not usually a good source of information for me. It was scheduled for January 5th.

My next appointment was with my wonderful chiropractor. I poured out my frustration with my neurosurgical consult. I was concerned about the out of pocket costs of an EMG after the first of the year. It would be a $1000.00 at the very least and probably much more. That sweet man got on the phone, called a doctor he works with a good bit, and got me an appointment for an EMG on December 31st at 3:45. For me, that is a Christmas miracle.

I will decide what to do next when I get the results of that test.

To make today even more fun, I locked myself out of the house after I got home. I have not done that in 25 years. We recently had to have our doorknob replaced and for some reason we were not able to get it keyed the same as the deadbolt. I THOUGHT my darling husband had given his dad a copy of the new key. Nope. I took refuge (if you can call it that) at my dad's house for over 4 hours until aforementioned husband got home from work.

Of course, in the grand scheme of things, none of this is really big stuff. I am going to get new keys made and distributed all around in the morning. And just keep toughing out the hand problems.

And life goes on...

Cantata

As I type this, my choir is about to present their Christmas cantata. I am not in it. With all that is going on health wise, I am just not up to it. It feels strange, but I feel like I made the right decision. I was going to go hear it, but I decided not to even do that. I just don't feel like fighting for a parking spot, trying to figure out where to sit (Methodists are very proprietary about their pews), or dealing with people. Lame, I know.

So, I am sitting here importing Christmas CDs into my itunes library and trying to figure out how I can consolidate some of the clutter my husband complains about. I can't blame him. My art supplies take up a LOT of space in our tiny house.

I am enjoying just having the house quiet and being by myself.

I am telling myself that this is OK.

December

This has been an odd month so far. Usually, I am the one dying to put up the tree and decorations. I am already planning what to cook on Christmas Day when my father-in-law comes to supper. I usually have most of my gifts wrapped and ready to go.

But so far, I am fairly apathetic. I do have many of my Christmas cards done, but that is about it.

There are several reasons for this, I suppose. One is that I am still waiting for a neurosurgical consult to see what needs to be done about the disc that is protruding into my spinal cord. Using my hands is painful and some tasks are nearly impossible. Another glitch is that my left hand continues to be sore and painful despite rest and anti-inflammatories. Medical appointments (3 this week just for these complaints) are eating into my time and energy.

And what idiot scheduled me for my "50 year" colonoscopy on Friday? Oh yeah, that was me. Although my birthday was in October, it takes weeks to get the thing scheduled. And, of course it needs to take place before the end of the year while deductibles have been met and most of my out of pocket maximum has been met.

Gotta squeeze in the primary care doc and the pulmonologist next week as well. Just routine, but necessary.

As to potential neurosurgery, that would also need to be done before the end of the year if possible. Not exactly my first choice for a Christmas gift. What if I decorate and then can't take the stuff down until, like, February???

Of course, I have good things scheduled. I will see my niece in "A Tuna Christmas" on Tuesday night. Despite the hand problems, I can still paint, even if I have had to explore styles that take a bit less control. There are lovely church services to attend. And, of course, football. :)

And, when I least expect it, the Christmas Spirit will come and gently enfold me.

It does every year.