Katie

I recently got an e-mail from our oldest niece, Katie. She is my husband's older brother's oldest child. If I recall correctly, she was 4 when I married my husband, just a little pixie with brown eyes and bangs.

Katie and I connected. We both loved music. We both valued comfort over style when it came to clothing. She loved her Aunt Karen.

Then, her parents divorced. Katie disappeared into a lifestyle of bad companions and bad choices. Never being allowed to make her own choices as a child due to a controlling, mentally ill mother, Katie struggled for several years. I did not hear much from her. But, I never stopped loving her or praying for her.

Thankfully, those prayers have been answered. Katie now has a paralegal degree and is joining a law firm next week. She has found a life partner. She plays guitar with a band on weekends. Katie has finally made a good life for herself.

And her auntie is proud.

All They Can Do

My family got the news Wednesday. After months of brutal chemotherapy, the last two spent in the hospital, my dear friend was given the news that it did no good. The tumor did not shrink.

The doctors have done all they can do. He will be coming home tomorrow.

The hope of him coming back cancer free is put aside for the hope of him having some quality time with his family before this disease takes him. He is at peace with going to his eternal home and that is a comfort to us.

But we will continue to pray for miracles.

Kicking and Screaming

Well, today is the day I attempt to bring my dad and stepmother kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Wish me luck.

For years, they have been struggling with a less than reliable, budget, dial-up internet connection. And every time they have difficulty with it, they call ME! Also, Dad has an OLD Gateway that he refuses to give up. This dinosaur is 10 years old and lacks much of what is needed to run modern programs and peripherals. Stepmom has a newer laptop that is what I hope to persuade them to use.

So, I have finally persuaded them to consider a cable modem. Stepmom has been diagnosed with some rare allergies and needs to be able to research them. The cable guy, (hopefully NOT Larry) will be at their house this afternoon to see what can be done to get them hooked up.

This may require a miracle...

A Southern Funeral

Yesterday, I was awakened by my father-in-law with the news that his sister had passed away. This was no real shock. Aunt B was in a nursing home and was in her eighties. Her physical health was failing, but her mind was still sharp and her wit, biting.

Now begin the rituals of the quintessential small town Southern funeral. The body will not be viewed in a funeral home, but in the small Baptist church this aunt attended. There will be a visitation the night before the service. Family will be coming in and no one will be staying in any motel. Local family members will house the "out of towner's" who come in.

Although this is a solemn occasion, the time before and after the funeral service will be more like a family reunion. Southern "funeral food" will be out in abundance. Homemade pound cake, green bean casserole, stuffed eggs, and fried chicken are practically mandatory at the post funeral gathering back at the home of the bereaved.
People will cluck over how much the children have grown and vow to get together on some other occasion than a funeral. Family gossip will be caught up on. Hugs will be given and received. Stories about the deceased will be shared and laughed over.

A mixture of happy and sad. Just what a funeral should be.

Friend Girl

Today my husband's "friend girl" arrives from out of town. He met her when he was in the Navy years ago and he was stationed in her town. Every three years or so, she comes to visit him. And I get a bit blue.

Don't get me wrong. I trust my husband with all my heart and soul. And I know that there is nothing romantic between them anymore. I am jealous of the things that she can do with him that MG and other health problems keep me from doing. She can go bowling with him. They can go for long walks. She can try out that new restaurant that severe food allergies make me afraid to go near. All things that my husband and I used to do together.

Another thing I am jealous of is that for the next four days, this woman will get my husband's largely undivided time. In the everyday hustle and bustle of married life, I sometimes have to beg for a slice of his time away from work. I know this is normal, but it doesn't keep the green eyed monster totally at bay.

But, this will pass. She will go home to her husband and her life.

And my husband will be all mine again.

A Gift of Good Days!

Wow!


I have just had the gift of two good days in a row. This does not happen often, so when it does, I am particularly happy.

Over the past two days I have:

• Organized books in my office.
• Gone out to lunch with my husband and my sweet father-in-law.
• Visited my local craft store which has a lot of wonderful new inventory.
• Checked out a lovely new independent bookstore downtown.
• Cooked a new hot chicken salad from Paula Deen's recipe collection (this one did NOT start with a stick of butter!).
• Gone to choir practice.
• Participated successfully in a Weight Watcher challenge online.

For most people, this is not a lot. They can do all this and more in a single day. But, for me, this is a gift.

And I appreciate it.

New Year's Eve

I suppose that it is natural on this particular day to sit back and ponder on the soon to be "old" year.

As years go, I really don't have much to complain about. My immediate family is all together and relatively well, given their ages and stages. My health, though not wonderful, is at least stable and I can happily say that I have not had to go to the ER ONCE this year! That is big, considering that there was a time when I knew the ambulance crews by name and they could remember where and when they picked me up the previous time.

Finally getting my disability has given me back a small measure of financial independence. That has been a blessing for sure. Now I can work on getting out of some of the debt I incurred as I lost the ability to work steadily. Medical bills add up FAST!

I am continuing to learn how to manage my myasthenia gravis with more efficiency and hopefully, more grace. It can actually be viewed as a gift at times. If nothing else, it has forced me to slow down and figure out what is REALLY important. I simply don't have the energy to deal with what is not. I wish my friends would take a day to reflect on what they would do differently if they faced the onset of an incurable neuromuscular disease tomorrow. What would they do differently today?

I went through a wonderful course called "The Artist's Way" at a local Episcopal church that really broadened my horizons. I made new friends there that I am keeping in touch with.

I have also had the opportunity to meet more of my RML friends in person and see some of the ones I had already met once again. I rejoiced with one at the marriage of her son, and wept with another at the loss of her beloved father. We have celebrated good grades, held our breath over medical test results, commiserated over ornery spouses and children, and even talked about food on occasion!

I have been able to enjoy the children in my life. Although the oldest niece is doing her teenage thing, she still loves her KK. Nephew will still be seen with me and occasionally go to a movie with me. Next door neighbor, Sam, is here frequently, and little Anna wants to come to Aunt Karen's and bake cookies. Being childless myself, it feels good to leave a bit of an imprint on the next generation.

If 2007 is this good, I will have no real complaints.

Visiting Gravesites

I just got a call from my dad. He was upset because the cousin he asked to take the Christmas tree off my mom's grave in Hazlehurst called to report that there was no tree on her grave today. It's OK. My sis had gone down there and taken it off.

Then Dad proceeded to lecture me for not going to visit Mom's grave. First of all, let me say that Mom's grave is located a two hour round trip away. Most of the roads are two lane and winding. And, (anyone who knows me will understand why this is important ) there are not many bathrooms on the way! Dad and my sis have pretty much taken care of the site and that has been fine with me. I have no big need to visit my mom's grave.

I would rather spend my time doing things Mom would have done. Cooking for friends having a hard time. Tending the grave of my friend Elizabeth, who had no one. Singing at the local nursing home. Sending cards of encouragement. To me, these things seem more important than going and staring at a piece of stone that only marks where mortal remains are. My mother's spirit is not there.

I like to think that part of Mom's spirit is in me. And I don't need to drive two hours to find it.

Early Christmas Gifts

It's not Christmas yet, but I have already received several very nice gifts.

The first gift is finding out that my darling Stepmom does not have kidney cancer!

The second gift was getting an e-mail from an old sleep apnea list buddy. Every time there is a long lag between e-mails, I fear that he has died. But, tonight I got a lovely e-mail and picture from this sweet man who handles many illnesses with grace.

The third gift is that my cancer friend and former long time next door neighbor is having several good days in a row, just in time to enjoy his holiday.


I don't need anything to open on Christmas morning. My gifts have already arrived.

Concern

Two of the most precious people in the world to me are having medical tests today. My sweet stepmom, who has been so good to my Daddy, is having a second round of MRI's to check out a mass on her kidney. I am praying that this is nothing and that she will be around to make Daddy happy for many years to come.


The second person is my sister's precious mother-in-law. When my sister's kids were born, we all began calling her Granna. Granna has been in my family since my sis and her husband began going together when they were 14. They have been together for 30 years now, and Granna has been there for my family ever since. She has been unfailingly supportive and caring through the loss of my mom and grandmother, Daddy's prostate cancer, and my illnesses. I can't even begin to imagine life without her.


This, along with Dad's recent surgery have really brought home that this generation is aging at a rate that is just too fast for me. These people are my "human" anchors through the storms of life. I'm just not ready to lose any of them.


May all the tests be negative. Please.

Christmas Cards

One of my favorite things to do at this time of year is to send Christmas Cards. In these days of vanishing traditions and too much hustle and bustle, I make it a point to send out hand addressed, personalized cards. This year, all the folks on my personal card list are getting them hand painted as well.

There are many reasons cards are special for me. They tell my friends and family that at this most busy time of year, they are in my thoughts. They (hopefully) provide a note of cheer for those who struggle with the holidays. And they are something special that I can do for people who do so much for me during the course of the year.

I even get a kick out of picking out the stamps for my cards. Religious for my Christian friends and snowflakes for friends who are of another faith or who are non-observant. Then, I apply my personally designed return address labels and they are ready to go.

A little much? Maybe. But if each person who receives a card from me feels even a tiny bit of the joy I get from creating and sending them, it is well worth the effort.

And even if nothing else gets done around here for the holidays, I am happy.

A Threat

Today I got a call from a client. She called to tell me some good news and bad news. The good news is that she has finally thrown her drinking, drugging, and verbally abusive hubby out of the house. The bad news, is that he threatened to kill her and selected acquaintances while he was being removed from the premisis.

One of these acquaintances just happens to be me. I recognize that he was probably drunk and/or high when he made these threats. But, I also know enough to take any threat seriously. I will be extra cautious for a while, but do not plan to let this disrupt my life.

I am concerned about his wife, but she is taking precautions to help ensure her own safety.

I just hope we don't end up on the front page.

The Morning After

It is the morning after Thanksgiving and not too late to reflect on some of the unexpected things I found myself thankful for yesterday.


1. I am thankful that my daddy is still healthy enough to "host" Thanksgiving.

2. I am thankful that my little niece's parents are secure enough to let her wholeheartedly love her extended family.

3. I am thankful that I really love my in-laws and get along with them well.

4. I am thankful that my MG symptoms were stable enough yesterday to let me enjoy my Thanksgiving.

5. I am thankful for a group of online friends who really help keep me going through times both good and bad.

6. I am thankful for SSRI's that help keep my mind clear and able to focus on the good things.

Now, if I can just remember to be thankful for these things all year. :)

Human Again

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors.


For me, these are four of the most beautiful words in the English language. And I am thankful that they had been invented when I first needed them back in 1994. I was in a black hole that I could not dig myself out of, even with good therapy and lots of prayer. It became obvious to my counselor that another component was needed. Hence, SSRIs became part of my daily routine.


As I got used to the dosage, I was amazed. Grass was greener. The sky was bluer. Or so it seemed. The fog that had been hovering over me for what I realized was almost my entire life was lifted. I could think clearly. My obsessive compulsive disorder became manageable. I could corral my thoughts before they spiraled out of control.


However, every now and then, I would need to tweak my dosage or try a new SSRI to continue to get these benefits. This fall, I noticed myself sliding back into the haze and decided to talk to my neurologist about an update. We decided to try the newest antidepressant, Cymbalta. This drug has the added benefit of helping control nerve pain.


At first, I was in heaven. My chronic achiness got better and my appetite declined. But, as a few weeks went by, I noticed that the depression had returned in full force and the obsessive thoughts were coming back as well. I dithered for a couple of weeks, trying to decide what to do. I was loving a break from the physical discomfort. But, ultimately, I could not manage the mental discomfort.


So, I talked to the doc again. She switched me to a pure SSRI called Lexapro. After less than a week, I can tell a marked difference. I feel like "ME" again.


Better living through chemistry?


You bet!

Those Caveman Commercials

OK, the gloves are off! Those commercials with the "sensitive" caveman have gone too far!

The latest one shows the caveman sitting on a couch in a therapist's office. He is his usual whiny self, complaining about the original commercial's assertion that getting a particular insurance is so easy "a caveman could do it." He begins to challenge the therapist with the thought of how SHE would feel if these people said something was so easy a THERAPIST could do it.

He does have a point.

The Good Stuff!

OK, now that I have the previous rant out of my system, I can focus on the good stuff that DID make up the bulk of the trip!


1. Eating omelettes with Walter at the Holiday Inn in Nashville, TN. This man has been cooking for Holiday Inn for 24 years. His cooking and his cheerful presence are what keep me staying at this same hotel everytime I visit Nashville.


2. Meeting Teresa's cousins. They have encountered multiple family tragedies over the past few years, but this couple counts their blessings and they do what they can to cheer others. They opened both their home and their hearts to me and I am grateful.


3. The beautiful fall foliage that we saw in Kentucky and Michigan. Totally worth the price of admission.

4. Getting to meet a Weight Watcher friend in person. Sandy was warm and welcoming and let me have a glimpse into her life and work. She and her husband also introduced me to Greek food! Yummy!

5. Seeing my brother-in-law and his family. Dear me, where does the time go? I remember going to help take care of these children when they were babies! Now they are almost 18, 16, and 15. They are also nice human beings and that is a good thing to be able to say.

6. Seeing old friend Ruth again and being introduced to her husband, Bart. They introduced me to Antonio's, home of some of the best Italian food I have ever eaten anywhere!

7. Which brings us back to Nashville, where I got to record an "informal" CD of gospel songs and hymns for my little old lady card buddies. And, ONE more omelette with Walter.

Overall, a very good trip.

Hmmm...wonder when I can get back to Nashville?

Back to Reality

I am home! For the most part, I had a lovely trip, but I am glad to be back in my own space with my husband and my computer. I have made a vow never to leave home again unless I can buy a laptop to take with me.

This comes partly from my experience on Mackinac Island. To preserve the history of this lovely place, motorized vehicles are banned from the island except for a few necessary emergency vehicles. This is great, if one is able bodied.

However, I am not and I found myself "back in time" as far as disability friendly environs go. Island businesses are not required to meet ADA standards unless they are making major renovations. Public restrooms were poorly lit, up a hill, and unheated. Restrooms in restaurants were often down long flights of stairs or in the back of the building with tables crowded so tightly together, I could not get my walker through, let alone the scooter I had hoped to rent. The scooter renters, unbeknownst to me, decided to leave the island early. But, it would not have done much good in on the island in general. Things were simply packed too tightly together. Lunch at the Grand Buffet turned into a panic situtation as my walker was jostled by people trying to get to the buffet, nearly causing me to fall. There was one accessible taxi, but it could take an hour or more to get picked up. That is a long time for a weary MGer to wait in cold and wet weather. The indifference of many of the island merchants and businesses made me feel further marginalized.

I found myself spending the last 24 hours on the island staring at my walls in the tiny B&B room Teresa and I shared while she explored the island. My cellphone reception was practically nonexistant. There was no lobby to go to for people watching. I finished my book. And, although there was a connection in our room, I had no computer. I ended up eating chocolate and crying. After the first day, this charming and seemingly inviting place was largely off limits to me. I felt isolated as people must have felt before the ADA made handicapped access a requirement.

God bless my friend and traveling companion, Teresa. She gracefully agreed to forgo the last few hours on the island and drove us back to the civilization of Grayling, Michigan. One internet session and a hot tub dip later, I was feeling human again.

For once, I was glad to get back to reality.

But, next trip, I will have a laptop!

On the Road Again...

Is it any wonder that this is one of my favorite Willie Nelson songs?


I love to travel. This is a love that only came to me in the past few years, but, better late than never. I love seeing new places, eating in restaurants that can't be found in my part of Mississippi, and, best of all, meeting new people!


Tomorrow I head out with my best friend and longtime sidekick, Teresa to Mackinac Island, Michigan. This is the beautiful place where the movie "Somewhere in Time" was filmed. No gasoline powered conveyances are allowed on this island. People get around on bicycles and foot power. Fortunately, electric scooters are for rent and are allowed in this small slice of paradise.

One of the things I am anticipating the most is the opportunity to meet another member of my Weight Watcher online group. She will be number 11 if I am counting correctly. I have enjoyed every member whom I have had the pleasure to meet face to face from this group, and I am sure that Sandy will be no different.

Most of all, this trip is a chance to get away from the everyday things that can drag me down and will give me time to reconnect with myself.

And, to quote a popular ex-con, that is a "good thing."

Artist Date

I am currently participating in a book study with my Episcopalian friends. It is called "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. The focus of this book is on getting rid of the things and attitudes that block creativity and keep one from achieving one's creative potential.


One of the suggested activites each week is to make an "artist's date." This can be any activity that feeds the soul and promotes the flowing of creative juices. Last minute cancellations of other activities today led me to drive to nearby Clinton where Wyatt Waters has his gallery.


Wyatt Waters is a watercolorist. His paintings of subjects that range from mailboxes to the Mississippi River are absolutely amazing. Most of his paintings depict local subjects. His use of color is unique and his technique has an impressionistic quality. The artist himself is a whirlwind of constant activity, while his wife, Vicky, is the practical, down to earth half of the enterprise.


In this gallery one is encouraged to pull up a chair and chat while pictures are pulled from drawers and brought in from the back room to be perused at leisure. There is something for every budget, from the originals that sell for $1, 400.00 hand framed all the way down to postcards that sell for seventy cents (my budget!).


After feasting my eyes on Wyatt's works, I peeked into a new independent bookstore across the street. It is a lovely place with an emphasis on Southern literature. Then, at Vicky's suggestion, I ended my morning at a nearby coffeehouse, called "Gravity", where a gentleman with a voice that sounded like a cross between Jim Croce and James Taylor (can it get any better?) crooned songs from my era while I enjoyed pimento cheese on homemade bread.


This day appears to have pulled me up from my recent bout of doldrums. It reminded me that as I remember to properly nourish my body with healthier food, nourishment of my artistic soul is equally important.

One More Day?

Tonight, my husband comes in from Pennsylvania. I love him, of course, and I am glad he is coming home.


But, I wish I had ONE more day alone. I am trying to clean out my office (also known as a natural disaster area). To clean out things here, I have had to put stuff in other rooms until I can sort it out and decide what gets to come back, and what can be donated to charity or simply thrown away.


Things like this take time. And I am not finished. I don't have the energy to get it all done before he comes home. I hate for him to come home to a mess. But, I don't want to put it all back in here before I sort it out.

I need ONE more day...