A Proper Funeral

Yesterday, I was privileged to attend the funeral service for a longtime family friend, Miss Jean.

It was a very proper service, the likes of which I had not seen in some time. Almost everyone was dressed in "Sunday best" attire which to me is a sign of respect for the church in which the service is held as well as for the deceased.

The choir that Miss Jean had accompanied sang favorite old hymns in voices that quavered a bit at times. Pallbearers marched in wearing dark suits and white gloves. Large white carnations, which would later be placed on the casket, adorned their lapels.

One of Jean's friends stood and shared stories about her. The pastor, a wonderfully upbeat fellow, did his best to make the service a celebration of Jean's life and focused on her "new" pain and struggle-free life with Jesus.

After the service, the pall bearers marched out behind the casket and after it was put in the hearse, stood still and faced the bereaved as they exited the church.

I did not stay for the repast after the service. However, I could tell that there was going to be quite a feast for Jean's friends and family when they returned from the graveside where she was laid to rest beside her husband.

Music, flowers, laughter, tears, and fellowship. I think Miss Jean would have approved.

Rest in peace sweet lady.

Hurricane Party

As I was watching coverage of Hurricane Irene, this video came on CNN. Rather than submit to the uncertainties of shelter life, these feisty senior citizens chose to ride out the hurricane in their retirement apartment building.

I can't say that I blame them. As they pointed out, some of them had serious medical conditions that would make trying to sleep on cots difficult to impossible. And what about their medical equipment, special diets, etc?

It made me think about what I would do if faced with that choice. I might get down on one of those shelter cots. But it would take several people to get me UP. And if they had to do that every time I had to go to the bathroom, it would be a full time job!

Would I be able to hook up my biPap? I stop breathing at least once every minute and a half to two minutes without it and wake up in a total fog and with a terrible headache.

And would my medicines be safe? I take too many to carry around in my purse all the time. Especially if they were all in bottles. Not to mention epi-pens, inhalers, my nebulizer, my walker and my scooter. I am seriously high maintenance!

I have to admit, I would probably take my cue from those seniors and stay home.

And pray. A lot.

A Grace Moment

Tonight I had what I call a "grace moment." One of those times when, unexpectedly, a burden is lifted. A dreaded task does not have to be performed. A day does not have to be completely juggled and reconfigured.

I would have performed this task with all of the grace I could muster. But, I was concerned about how my body was going to hold up in the heat that is expected tomorrow. Not knowing how far I might have to walk and what assistive device I would need. Whether the chest pains that leave me slightly lightheaded and short of breath would plague me at an inopportune time. Sometimes, even with my limitations, I am "it." 

But now I can go to bed, hopefully to sleep. 

And say a prayer of thanksgiving for my "grace moment." 

Sapped

 

I have been in "extra" pain for almost 7 weeks now. I am in the process of being poked, prodded, and tested to find the source of the unrelenting chest pain. My heart has pretty much been cleared. This is good. But, I am still hurting.

I am no stranger to pain. I have been in varying degrees of discomfort/pain since I fractured my back in a bus crash at age 18 . I also have scoliosis and other back and neck issues. Chiropractic care helps me keep the pain at a manageable level for the most part. I take only an occasional OTC Aleve or Tylenol. 

But being at this level of pain is affecting both my energy and my creativity. My mind is so occupied with "keeping going" that I don't seem to have the energy left to be truly creative. And this lack of creativity is wearing on my spirit. 

I am sapped. 

CAPTCHA

This is the name of those codes that one must type in so that a site can make sure responses are generated by a real person. For most people, these are not hard to figure out and type in. 

But for someone like myself, who deals with bouts of double vision due to the the neuromuscular disease, myasthenia gravis, it can be impossible to read and reproduce these codes. Many of them contain letters that are slightly doubled to begin with. That means I see FOUR of the characters. Even when I greatly increase the size of the text, which I do for almost all webpages, I still can't figure them out. This affects my ability to do things ranging from commenting on a blog post, to making an online purchase. 

And yes, I have tried to use the audio version of these CAPTCHA codes. I have yet to be able to understand one of them. That robotic voice is as indecipherable to my ears as the letters are to my eyes!

There has to be a better way. 

Really.

Courtesy

Most of us were brought up to be courteous to friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. But how many of us extend this courtesy to the people who should count the most...our families.

I try very hard to do this. I say please and thank you. I return things I borrow. I take my turn and try to pull my weight as much as I am able. I return phone calls and text messages. I think my family deserves this as much as anyone else. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

Is it too much to ask for that same courtesy in return?

Jobs

Lately, it seems like every time I turn on the TV, I hear the word "jobs." As in shortage of them. I do not doubt that more jobs are needed.

But, sometimes I have to wonder about the people who are looking for jobs as well. I see people in doctors offices, restaurants, stores, and other businesses who say they are there to fill out a job application or have an interview. One young man came to fill out a job application without even bringing a pen! I loaned him one, but I could tell that he was not prepared to make a good impression. His pants were "sagging" and his shirt was stained. He looked like a nice young man, but I would not hire him. Dress as if the job is already yours.

And then there are the people who say they are trying to find work, but no effort is made to really look. When one is looking for a job, one needs to MAKE that his or her job. It takes time, patience, and persistence. When I was looking for work in college, I went into to stores even if they did not indicate they were hiring. More than once, I was able to persuade these folks to hire me.

And it is true that one is more likely to find a better job when one is already employed. Do something! An elderly friend of mine went for an interview with the highway department. He was told he was not qualified for the position. He replied "How much skill does it take to cut a bush?" This told his prospective employers that he was willing to start at the bottom and work his way up. He got the job.

Is the job you get going to be your dream job? Maybe not. But it can be a foot in the door. And don't be afraid to try something new. Who knows? It might be the start of something big!

Project Runway

The new season has begun and most of these designers are fabulous!

And yes, I have already picked my favorite.  Bert Keeter won the challenge today, but I liked him from what I saw of him on the audition special before the season premiere. He was open and honest about what losing his partner and best friends to AIDS did to him. How he turned to alcohol to deal with his feelings and how he has worked to stay sober.

I was surprised at the pain his story brought up for me. I lost a number of friends to AIDS back in the 90's. Just as painful as the losses were the hateful and judgmental attitudes shown towards my friends, and towards me for supporting them. There were times when I was almost ashamed to call myself a Christian. I couldn't picture Jesus saying the things I heard from people who claimed to follow Him.

But, back to the present. Bert's winning design, made from orange checked boxer shorts and a bedsheet was spectacular. I hope he stays sober, finds love again, and wins Project Runway.

Heart to Heart

As my Monday afternoon cardiology appointment draws near, I find myself getting a bit anxious. Not panicky, just a bit unsettled.

I don't know which is worse. Being afraid that it *is* my heart, or being embarrassed if it turns out to be a very expensive case of indigestion. I know I will feel better when I know one way or another. I have just been dismissed and ridiculed before concerning my (very real) health issues and the scars remain. And although people mean well when they say "don't worry", "put it in GOD'S hands" (imagine the stentorian tones here), or "it will be all right", it does more harm than good. Sometimes I need to hear "It's OK to be scared."

But, having buried my mother, grandfather, and an aunt all at age 57 of heart disease, I suppose I would rather be safe than sorry.

30 Day Song Challenge (Finally) Continued

Somewhere on the way to finishing blogging about my 30 day song challenge, I got lost in a sea of the stuff of life. But, finally, I have a breather, so without further ado...

Day 16: A good song that does get a little repetitive: Two out of Three Aint Bad Meatloaf 1977

Day 17: A song from your childhood: "Goin’ to the Chapel The Dixie Cups 1964." I actually had the 45 to this. I was only 5, but I sang this tune constantly. I can still remember all the words.

Day 18: The Greatest Guitar Work you have ever heard: Smooth Santana/Rob Thomas 1999. People may argue this one with me, but this song makes me want to dance! Even with my two left feet. :)

Day 19: An Exceptionally Sad Song "My Immortal" Evanescence 2003. Sad, but beautifully sung by Amy Lee. 

Day 20: A song by an artist no longer living: "Fields of Gold" Eva Cassidy 1993/1996. The early death of Eva Cassidy was a tragedy for the world of music. Fortunately, she left us a legacy of wonderful tunes like this cover of Sting's FOG. I first heard this version when Michelle Kwan skated to it, and instantly fell in love. 

Day 21: A song with a great bass rhythm: Under Pressure Queen 1981. Queen is and remains one of my favorite all time bands. 

Day 22: A song you can deeply relate to: "The World I Know" Collective Soul. 1995. The "Bird" video. Need I say more?

Day 23: A song you can play over and over and not get sick of: "Iris" Goo Goo Dolls 1998. This song was on the "City of Angels" soundtrack. One of my favorite songs and soundtracks ever. 

Day 24: A song played at a memorable event in your life: "Colour My World Chicago 1970." My band director sang this at a bandcamp dance. It was my first time to be away from home for an entire week and the first time I was really noticed by BOYS. 

Day 25: A song you don’t understand: "Winter" Tori Amos 1992. Yet another song skated to by my all time favorite skater, Michelle Kwan. Tori Amos is somewhat cryptic to say the least, but the song is lovely.

Day 26: The Best Rock Song You’ve Ever Heard: "Livin’ on a Prayer" Bon Jovi 1986. This was a toughie, but I finally had to give a nod to the amazingly gorgeous Jon Bon Jovi. 

Day 27: A song that forces you to reminisce: "Hopelessly Devoted to You" Olivia Newton John 1978. 'Grease' came out the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. It stayed at our little movie house all summer and my boyfriend at the time and I saw it so many times I lost count. 

Day 28: A Song that gives you shivers: "Who Wants to Live Forever" Queen 1986. Eerily foreshadowing of the untimely death of Freddie Mercury. This song also reminds me of the many friends I lost to AIDS. 

Day 29: A Song that Helps You Live: "With a Little Help from my Friends" Joe Cocker 1967. What would I do without them?

Day 30: My Favorite Song: "Mad World" Adam Lambert 2009. I don't know exactly why this song touches me like it does, but since I heard it performed on American Idol, it has been my favorite "popular" song. Sometimes it really is quite a "mad world." Yet, we prevail. 

Betty Ford

I think the title of my blog sums up her style quite well! I can remember when people did not say the word " cancer" out loud. People would whisper that someone had "c."

And getting treatment for alcoholism, at least in the South, would have been covered up or shrouded in secrecy. I never knew my own grandfather had been in treatment back in the fifties until after my grandmothers death less than ten years ago.

God bless Betty Ford. May she rest in peace.

And thanks for saying it out loud.

Weary

After two days of more than usual activity, I woke up this morning already weary. But, it is more than the physical tiredness. I am weary to the soul. So many of my friends and family are going through tough times. My nature is such that I "go through" these times with them on both physical and emotional levels. And 99% of the time, I would not have it any other way.

I have a list of people I need to call and check on and things I need to do. But today I am having trouble mustering up the energy to do any of these things. I am so exhausted that a just getting in the shower seems to be a Herculean task.

This is a time when I am going to have to disengage for just a bit, find some ways to refresh and renew my own strength, and get some rest.

I just have to do it.

Sold in Jackson!

This is "Summer Trees", my first painting to sell at Fondren Art Gallery in Jackson, MS.

I feel like a little kid at Christmas! It is such an affirmation to have my work sold in another city. Admittedly, Jackson is still a small pond to many, but it is an awfully big pond to me. After all, I have only been watercoloring for 2 1/2 years myself.


I am still sort of dazed by what this has all become. My work is in 2 shops. I am invited to be a part of a festival in December where I will show and sell my work. I speak to groups about watercolor and where it has taken me. Best of all, I am privileged to teach 3 watercolor classes at Vicksburg Senior Center and one at Redwood Elementary School.

I just wonder where watercolor is going to take me next?
I can't wait!

30 Day Song Challenge Part 1

For the month of April, I participated in a 30 day song challenge. It was both fun and thought provoking. For this challenge, I restricted my answers to popular music.

Day 1: Current Favorite Song: "Mad World" as performed by Adam Lambert on American Idol. 1982/2008

Day 2: A Song That Always Calms Me Down: "Vincent" by Don McLean. I also like the Josh Groban cover. 1971

Day 3: A Song I Like That Nobody Else Seems To: "Beautiful Heartache" by Oksana Grigorieva. Her troubles with Mel Gibson aside, she really does have talent. 2009

Day 4:  A Song That Uses Weird Noises Well: "The Marvelous Toy" by Peter, Paul, and Mary. 1969

Day 5: A Song You Believe Has Great Lyrics: "Inside Out" by Eve 6. 1998 Who can resist the line "You put my tender heart in a blender?"

Day 6: A Song You Would Like Played At Your Funeral: "Please Don't Bury Me" by John Prine. I say this tongue in cheek, but this is exactly the way I feel. 1973

Day 7: A Song That Gets Your Heart Racing: "The Way" by Fastball. 1998

Day 8: The Song That Changed Your Mind About Music: "One of Us" by Joan Osborn 1995. Actually, this song changed my mind about 90's music and opened me up to Alanis Morrissette, Leah Andreone, and Shawn Colvin.

Day 9: A Song By a Band You Stopped Listening To, But Started Again: "Pink" by Aerosmith. 1998 I had just kind of drifted away from Aerosmith, but this song caught my fancy and brought me back.

Day 10: A Classic Song Everyone Seems To Like But You: "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young. 1971 I just never have liked him.

Day 11: The Best Love Song You Have Ever Heard: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" as performed by David Cook on American Idol. 1969/2008

Day 12: A Song That Ends Too Quickly: "Tequila Sunrise" by The Eagles, 1973.

Day 13: A Song With A Great Drum Rhythm: "Wild Nights" by John Mellencamp, 1971/1994.

Day 14: A Song By Your Favorite Singer: "Little Jeannie" by Elton John, 1980. I don't know that I can pick ONE favorite singer, but Elton John is certainly one of them. And for some reason this song just makes me happy.

Day 15: The Craziest Song You Ever Heard: "Forest Lawn" by John Denver 1970/1975. The first time I heard this song, I howled.

I am going to end this post with Day 15. Things that surprised me to this point about my choices is that most of them are either from the 70's or 90's. Some things have been covered by current artists, but I seem to have an affinity for those periods. I could tell I was considerably older than most people participating in the challenge. But, I don't seem to be totally stuck in the music of my teens, for which I am thankful.

The Flood of 2011

When I was a teen, there was a song about the Lord telling Noah there was going to be a "floody floody" and to get those animals out of the "muddy, muddy." It was a fun song with hand motions and clapping.

Well, here in Vicksburg, there is going to be a floody, floody for sure. Projected to be one of the worst in our history, this flood is creating headaches for businesses, homeowners, schools, and yes, animals.

The children in this picture, my watercolor students from Redwood Elementary School, have had to evacuate their school due to the rising water. We are praying a hastily built levee will keep the damage to the school building to a minimum.

The local humane society has been called on to house all kinds of animals that they normally don't. Chickens, goats, and cows are now being sheltered there. Not to mention the housepets that owners have not been able to take with them to temporary lodgings.

Businesses that are flooding are having to shut down and employees are out of work. Those that are staying open face increasingly hazardous working conditions. There are some that may not be able to recover.

Many of the people now being flooded were still trying to rebuild after last years tornado. As one of my friends said today about the children from Redwood School, "Many of these babies don't have much on a good day. What are they going to do now?"

But, Vicksburg is a resilient city. They have survived war, pestilence, floods, and tornadoes. The people of this city will work together, help each other out, and we will survive the flood of 2011.

Peace, Perhaps?

It looks like we are going to have a peaceful night tonight after two nights of storms. I am ready for a nights' sleep in my bed, with my biPap. Sitting up on the couch so I can sleep and breathe at the same time while being constantly awakened by thunder, wind, and lightning gets old fast. 

I can't remember having this many severe storms in less than a month, ever. And certainly not having this many, this close to me and the people I care about.

Hoping and praying that tomorrow is a much better day for the many who are trying to put their lives back together after tragic, weather related events. 

Goodnight.

Sadness Overload

These past few days have been a time of what I call "sadness overload." Another church friend passed away last week. This on top of still mourning the loss of my friend, Joyalene.

Then a tornado mowed down Clinton, MS. Six of the people I love most on the planet (including my sister and her family) live in Clinton and there were several anxious hours while I was unable to get confirmation that they were all safe. Thankfully, they are all OK. But much of the city is trashed and there is much cleanup and rebuilding to be done.

Later Friday, a massive apartment fire in Vicksburg made 11 more families homeless. This on top of another fire in a neighboring subdivision last week.

Saturday was a funeral for a young solider from Brandon. The peace and solemnity of this occasion was threatened by the presence of the Westboro Baptist Church. Thousands of citizens showed up in force, bearing American flags to shield the family. Fortunately, the church members got themselves arrested for trespassing before the funeral began and spent their protest time locked up.

And, for the kicker, a family member lost his job.

I guess I feel particularly helpless right now because I am not in a physical or financial position to help much. This frustrates me to no end.

Praying for all affected by the tragedies of the past week.

Hoping this one will be better.

There for You

Years ago, a group called "The Rembrandts" sang a song (also known as the theme song from "Friends") called "I'll Be There for You." Nice song. Catchy tune.

I am blessed with a lot of friends. Some of them are face to face, everyday friends, some live in other states, and some are friends I have never met anywhere but the internet.



As wonderful as the idea of being able to "be there" for all my friends, all the time is, I realize that this is impossible. Heaven knows, I used to try!

The best I can do now is pray that I can be in the right spot for the right friend at the right moment. I have to trust God to arrange that.

And He will.

Taking Stock

As April is almost upon us, I decided to go back and take stock of how I was doing with my 2011 "To-do" list. I have not done everything on the list, but I am making progress. 

#1 was to eat at The Lady and Sons in Savannah, GA for my friend Teresa's 50th birthday. Since her birthday is not until November, I obviously have not done that yet. 

#2 was to make another CD of Christian music. So far, asthma, myasthenia gravis, and reflux have conspired against this. But I am still hopeful of doing that this year!

#3 was to do one or more watercolor demonstrations at "The Cricket Box." I did do this in February and had a great time!

#4 was to find some new recipes utilizing the things I CAN eat. I have created a couple of nice recipes that help bring variety to my limited diet. 

#5 was to learn 10 new 7 letter words. I have learned about 4 so far and plan to keep on learning!

#6 was to increase my charitable giving. I am working on increasing my customary 10% to 15% and am succeeding with that most of the time.

So far, I am making progress. One step at a time.

Via Dolorosa

***Whine Alert***



I have been singing the Via Dolorosa at my church for the past 22 years. It is a special song to me and it means a lot for me to be able to witness once a year to my church family through this song.

Last year, I was not sure if I would be able to sing it. We had a new preacher and it was subject to his approval. Fortunately, he was OK with it, and I sang the song during Lent, as usual.

This year, I still do not know whether I will be able to sing it or not. I asked about it weeks ago, and still have no answer other than we may can "work it in."

I don't know how to feel. Despite some recent vocal problems, I think I still sound OK. I have given up the idea of even asking to sing more than one time a year. I am looking into opportunities to sing other places just so I can keep my voice in shape.

 I can't believe God would give me this gift and not want me to use it. Singing is what I do. It is what I have always done. It is a huge part of who I am.

So, I pray for my sore heart to mend and for guidance as to what I need to do to keep this gift in good condition so that I can sing to His glory.

Miz Oakes

This morning, I received an email informing me of the sudden passing this morning of my friend Joyalene.

I first met Joyalene when I was in handbell choir at church with her teenage son. But, we bonded some time later, after her husband left her, and filed for divorce. At the time, I was opening the church for morning prayer. Joyalene was having a very difficult time, and sometimes we would pray and cry together. She was of an age to be my mother, so I would call her "Miz" Oakes. Then she would mock glare at me and tell me to call her Joyalene. It became a running joke.

Even during life's difficulties, Joyalene was funny. She could crack me up with one look. And when she opened her mouth! Sometimes I would be sore from laughing so hard.

Joyalene loved her friends and family deeply. She was always supportive of me. I think she believed I could do anything.

"Miz Oakes", you will be missed.

Deeply.

Too Close

On March 4th, two criminals escaped from a Louisiana State Police Compound and began a 10 day, 4 state crime spree that hit way to close to home for me. 


After escaping near Baton Rouge, where a lot of my extended family lives,  they hitched a ride to Vicksburg. Then they carjacked a visitor to MY city just minutes away from where I live. And ultimately murdered him. I can't begin to express how angry it makes me that a visitor to my hometown could not be safe here. 


Then, to top it off, they are caught after crashing yet another stolen vehicle on the grounds of Fed-Ex world headquarters. My friend, Teresa, had left work there just minutes before this occurred. 


This has all been pretty jarring on top of other critical world events. 


Just too close to home. 

iPad2

I just ordered my last year's birthday, Christmas, anniversary, and Valentine's gifts all rolled into one. The iPad 2.

I have wanted one of these ever since the first model came out. But, I like to wait for the second generation of a new gadget to come out before I purchase. And today, my long saved for iPad became available. And, in 10 days, it will be in my hot little hand!

Giftcards from friends and family purchased the case and paid the tax. Thanks Amy, Bryan, and Granna!

My e-books on my iPhone have given me my reading life back and I am looking forward to reading on my iPad. Large print books are nice, but difficult for me to hold. I will be able to watch movies on it. And I love to be able to look things up while I am watching TV. I may even be able to show watercolor demos to my art classes on it. The possibilities are endless.

So, I will be watching my mailbox like a kid on Christmas morning! Santa is coming.

(((HUGS)))

The meaning of this is pretty simple. If I were with you in person, I would want to give you a big hug. If your pain was nothing I have personally experienced, I would not want to trivialize your suffering with words. I have no real idea of what you are going through. I have not "been there."

If I have "been there", then I may try to offer words of help. What worked for me may work for you as well. But this still has to be done gently.

I would rather give you a (((HUG))) than risk invalidating your feelings or giving unneeded advice. 

So, please take this (((HUG))) from me today if you want or need it. 

Toomers Trees

I am a tree lover. I always have been. I find them beautiful no matter what the season is. I adore the Spring and Fall colors. I love the fullness of the foliage in Summer, and admire the elegant contours of the branches when they are bare in Winter.


I chose my home largely due to the wonderful big trees in the yard. The house could be fixed up, but trees like mine only come around once in a lifetime. When I go on vacation anywhere without many trees, I miss them so much that it is almost a physical ache.


Like most people I have talked to, I am absolutely devastated over the brutal and senseless poisoning of the gorgeous and historic old oaks at Toomers Corner in Auburn, Alabama. That just disturbs me deep in my soul. And what if some fools decide to do "copycat" tree killings? Are any historic trees truly safe right now? Especially if they belong to an SEC school like the ones in "The Grove" at Ole Miss. 


I am not going to stop praying that somehow, miraculously, these trees can be saved. And sending my best to my Auburn friends during this time. 

Happy Singer

I was able to sing a couple of hymns in church for the first time since New Years, making it a happy Sunday for me. 


I saw both my pulmonologist and my neuromuscular specialist this past week. Basically, the MG and asthma are going to affect my voice to some degree for the rest of my life, primarily in the area of being able to sing for very long at one time. This continues to rule out things like doing concerts at nursing homes and singing in cantatas. Right now, even an entire Sunday morning service singing in the choir is not manageable. 


I have to try to focus on what I still can do vocally. I can still sing a solo or two. I hope to make another recording, a bit at a time. I hope to sing the National Anthem for the Mississippi Braves this Spring or Summer. And, now I can "sing" with my paintbrush, which helps tremendously. 


But, for today, I am just grateful that I could sing a couple of hymns and sound almost like my old self. 

De-Friended

While browsing around my FaceBook account this weekend, I decided to look up a couple of people whose names had not come up in my feed lately.

Not totally to my surprise, I discovered I had been "de-friended." Even though our real friendship had cooled through circumstances, I was hoping we could at least keep up a distant FB relationship. I had limited my interactions with her on FB to "liking" links and pictures.

But, the de-friending speaks volumes. And I hear it loud and clear.

National Anthem

Poor Christina Aguilera. For the next few days she is going to be ragged  far and wide for forgetting the words to the National Anthem. 


I can understand how this can happen. I have sung the National Anthem for everything from Little League to the AA Mississippi Braves. When all those eyes are on YOU, it is possible to get a bit nervous. 


I can deal with forgetting the words. However, for someone with Christina's talent, this performance was awful. I lost track of how many times she changed keys. And the only person who has really been able to get away with that degree of showboating is Whitney Houston. 


Of course, I am old fashioned. I don't think the "Star Spangled Banner" should be a platform for showboating and grandstanding. I think it should be sung in a manner befitting the flag and our country. Some of the most wonderful compliments I have ever received have been from veterans who come up to me I sing our National Anthem at some occasion with tears in their eyes. They always say "this is the way our National Anthem should be sung. 


Christina, next time you are asked to sing the National Anthem, remember who and what you are singing for. 


Then I bet you remember the words. 

Doctor Dilemma (Dilemna?)

For the first time, today, I was refused as a patient by a doctor I wanted to see. Am I a difficult patient? No. Am I without insurance? No. Is the doctor not taking new patients? No. Am I expecting services this doctor is not qualified to render? No. 


The problem?


Medicare is my primary insurance now that my husband is retired. Although I also have Aetna as a full co-insurance, Medicare is the first in line. For me, this means I cannot see any of the doctors in the clinic of my choice. I also can no longer be seen in the MEA walk in clinics. 


This is scary. I have specialists for my myasthenia gravis, my asthma & sleep apnea, stomach problems, and female stuff.  My last two internists in Jackson have flown the coop. I just need someone who can treat me for minor illnesses and injuries, do blood work, and occasionally talk to one of my specialists. I was hoping to find that here in Vicksburg. But, Mission Primary Care takes no new Medicare patients. 


I may have some choices. I can go to River Region again and deal with a billing system that turns me over to collections before I ever receive a bill. And most of the doctors I want to see are fleeing River Region. What if I find someone and he/she leaves about the time I get settled in? 


With proposed cuts in Medicare funding, I can understand where the doctors are coming from. But, it is awfully scary not to be sure I can get medical care.


Like all of us, I am not getting any younger. 

To Do List 2011

I am no longer foolish enough to make "resolutions" that I am sure to break. However, I did want to make a list of things I HOPE to accomplish this year. Something I can refer back to at times to see how I am doing.

1. Go to Savannah, GA and eat at "The Lady and Sons" on Teresa's 50th birthday.

2. Make another CD of Christian music.

3. Attend another "Imagicopter" event to display and sell my art.

4. Do one or more watercolor demonstrations at "The Cricket Box."

5. Find some new recipes utilizing the things I *CAN* eat.

6. Have breakfast or lunch with a friend at LEAST twice a month.

7. Learn 10 new 7 letter words.

8. Increase my charitable giving.

OK, I think that is enough. I will check back on this post in a couple of months to see how I am coming along.

Letting Go

It seems today as if I have been bombarded by messages about letting go. I suppose many of these are expected at this time of year. But this year, they are really shouting at me. 


I need to let go of:


1. False hopes (not real hope, but things that are just not going to happen, and even if they did, would not necessarily be good for me.)


2. Stuff. Like many I have too much of it. I am looking to pare down considerably as my physical condition simply does not allow me to maintain it.


3. People who continually drag me down. I made progress with this over the past year, but more boundaries are needed. I just don't have the energy. 


Here's to 2011.

Christmas on Call

Every year when I sing for Christmas Eve at St. Alban's Episcopal Church, I am reminded of a Christmas several years ago when I was still working at the mental health. I was on call this particular Christmas and, to my dismay, my beeper went off about 30 minutes before the service was to begin. 

I called our answering service and was connected to "Jay", one of our clients who was constantly in conflict with his sister. Upset with her about something, Jay proceeded to make threats against his sister. Of course, I had to take these seriously. I tried to get Jay to tell me where he was, so that I could get someone out to check on him and pick him up if necessary. 

Jay knew the drill. If someone came out and believed that Jay was a serious danger to his sister at that point, he would spend Christmas in jail or the local psychiatric facility. Instead of telling me where he was, he asked me if I thought he was crazy. His sign off was "Fuck you bitch!" Then, perhaps thinking that greeting was a bit harsh, he added "And Merry Christmas!" 

After hanging up, I immediately called the sheriff's office. They were able to pick Jay up, calm him down, and take him safely home. 

I have not seen this man in years, but I still crack up when I remember his Christmas greeting. Merry Christmas, Jay. Wherever you are. 

Wild Week

This week was quite a roller coaster of activity and emotions, ranging from the low of being afraid I was going to lose another "mama" right here at Christmastime to the high of our lovely chancel choir cantata this morning. 


In between was a great time at a book signing and art exhibition at the local library. Each vendor pledged a certain amount of proceeds to benefit the local Child Abuse Prevention Center. We also had place for attendees to donate on their own. Over $200.00 was raised for this very worthy cause. 


Next week will be somewhat busy as I make some last preparations for Christmas and help Dad with Sara when she gets home. But, Lord willing, it should be a calmer and less emotionally intense week.


Did I say that out loud?

ICU and Lipstick

As I was walking into the hospital yesterday to take my shift sitting with my stepmom, I saw my dad coming out carrying Sara's things. One look at Dad's face told me that the news was not good. Sara's blood pressure was too low and they had moved her into the intensive care unit. Her diastolic (the bottom number) pressure had gone down to 17. The last time I saw a pressure that low was when my mom was dying. My heart just sank.  


Three pints of blood, constant monitoring, and some medication juggling later, she seems to be out of the woods. She is still in ICU, but felt well enough this afternoon to ask for her powder and lipstick. I knew she had turned a corner as I dug through her train case and helped her fix up a bit. You know a Southern woman is going to make it when she asks for her lipstick!

Surgery

Tomorrow, my sweet stepmom, Sara, will have surgery to replace her hip. This thing has really been slowing this 80 year old lady down the past few months. It has been frustrating for her, because she is used to going and doing as she pleases. 


Hip replacement these days is fairly routine, but there are concerns. She *is* 80. She has some problems with a blood disorder and blood pressure. Her lungs were damaged by hydrochloric acid years ago and effects linger. However, none of this has slowed her down much. Just this hip. 


So, tonight I am praying. For personal strength and energy to be able to help my dad and her sons care for her. For my dad to be able to get the rest *he* needs during all this. And for the surgeons and hospital staff to be at their very best. 


But, most of all, I am praying for a positive outlook, freedom from fear, smooth surgery, and a swift recovery for Sara. 

TSA

I have been following the recent events surrounding body scans, pat downs, etc. with some interest. Many "average" travelers are now dealing with things that I, as a disabled person, have been putting up with for the past 10 years. 


On a trip to a Myasthenia Gravis gathering in Cleveland Ohio, I was being transported through the airport in a wheelchair (this was before I got my scooter). I had my C-Pap with me. I was stopped, pulled out of line, and questioned about my machine. They would not allow me to open the case and show them what it was. They called in a bomb sniffing dog. I missed my flight and had to wait about 6 hours for the next flight. I had to load my luggage on the wheelchair and take it all with me every time I had to use the restroom. I was unable to walk far enough to get a meal or visit the shops. This was pre-iPhone, so it was pretty boring. 


Pat downs seem to be pretty much routine for me when I use my scooter in an airport. They make me drive my scooter off to the side, but won't allow me to go back through the scanner. It also takes time for them to examine my scooter and my biPap. Some even make me remove my medic-alert. 


I do realize that all this is a necessary evil and not likely to change. But for you "normal" folks...welcome to MY world. 

Missing Mama

This Christmas, my mama will have been gone 20 years. Sometimes it is hard to believe it has been that long. It seems like just yesterday that I spent Christmas in the waiting room outside of the ICU praying that mama could beat the odds just one more time. 


Christmas was mama's favorite holiday. We would cook and make goodies for the people who helped keep her going. Precious pharmacists, doctors, friends, and neighbors. Her tree was always beautifully decorated, often with my handmade ornaments. We would sing "O Holy Night" together, my soprano blending perfectly with her wonderful, rich alto. 


Some Christmases are more difficult than others. For some reason, this season is already beginning to get to me. I got teary eyed singing some of her favorite carols at Hanging of the Greens. Three friends have lost loved ones in the past two weeks, and their grief brings mine back, even after all these years. 


But, I am my mothers' child. I may feel sad at times, but I will get through the holiday with as much joy and grace as I can muster. Goodies will be baked, solos will be sung, and my tree will be exquisitely decorated with the ornaments she gave me. 


My memories ensure that mama lives on. 


In me. 

27 Years

Twenty seven years. Where does the time go?

Flare-Up

I have spent the day on the couch after falling twice this morning. My myasthenia is trying to flare up and I don't have time for it. I have tried to pace myself over the past few weeks, but sometimes this is just the way it is. 


MG seems to love to pick my busiest times to knock me down. I just don't have time for this right now. Even though I have pared holidays down considerably, I still have things to do. 


The things that are weighing on me most right now are the church choir cantata, which wears me out even when I am at my best, and concern over my sweet stepmom's hip replacement surgery timed for the week before Christmas. I want to be well enough to help her and my dad out while she is convalescing. 


I have been having my annual "Pre-December" panic the past few days. Now it is time to make a plan, pace myself, and get a grip. 

Godiva

I was introduced to Godiva chocolate years ago my by friend, the late, great Elizabeth Ann Myers. She admired this candy not only for its creamy taste, but admired these candies as "works of art" as well. Ever since, I have treated myself and friends to this luscious treat on special occasions. 


On a trip to Office Max today, I began getting a bit lightheaded and realized when I looked at my watch that it was past my lunch time. I looked around to see what they might have in the way of edibles to get me through until I could finish my mission and get a proper lunch. A familiar name caught my eye and I nabbed a small bag of Godiva milk chocolate truffles. I took it over to the Copy Max counter where I was waiting for job to be finished, opened the bag, and savored one of these sweet treats. 


I struck up a conversation with the young gentleman in line behind me. I asked him if he had ever had Godiva and he admitted that he had not yet had that pleasure. I offered him a truffle and loved the look of satisfaction that crossed his features. I gave him a second one for good measure. 


I asked the nice gentleman waiting on me if he liked chocolate. He had never had Godiva either. I quickly remedied that situation. My next converts were the cashiers who had also never tasted this lovely chocolate. 


I left the store with a nearly empty bag. Spreading the "Gospel of Godiva." 


It was a beautiful thing. 

Christmas Shopping

I have to admit that I do not do a whole lot of Christmas shopping. My family has pared down quite a bit over the years. But there are a few things that I need to pick up, most of which I cannot get in Vicksburg or online. 


So, the little red scooter and I are going to Jackson in the morning to try to get it done. There is no "Black Friday" deal good enough to get me in the stores that day.  I do not Christmas shop in December. That is a sure fire way to lose my Christmas spirit!

Voice Update

Today, I went to my throat doc for another laryngoscope. The good news is that the vocal cords are finally free of irritation. The bad news is that most of my trouble is now caused from the easy muscle fatiguability caused by Myasthenia Gravis.  Add to that the crushing general fatigue I often experience that is connected to my autoimmune disorders in general, and I don't have the ability to sing for very long at one time anymore. 


Basically, I have to start thinking differently about my singing. A song or two as opposed to a "program." A Sunday anthem with the choir, but maybe not the Christmas cantata. This is a really hard shift in thinking for me. I was always an extremely reliable singer who could pretty much do it all. 


The doc also cautioned me to continue to limit phone conversations and to be careful of raising my voice to be heard by elderly friends and family members. This is especially difficult as my father and my husband both have hearing loss. I am going to have to find more effective ways to be heard. 


Many thanks to all who have prayed for the restoration of my voice. 


Now I just have to use it wisely. 

Success!

The Senior Center Art Show went better than I could have ever imagined! Donations of art works totally exceeded my expectations. Help was plentiful, with two of my young friends coming to help set up. I was able to mostly sit and direct traffic,  which worked very well. 


Attendance was quite good, considering we were not allowed (by the city) to put an advertisement in our local paper.  Word of mouth and posters sufficed. And we made enough money to ensure that art programs continue, even if our budget faces the axe. So far, we have been able to offer these programs completely free of charge so that anyone who wishes to "do art" can participate. 


I was totally humbled by the number of my personal friends and family who stopped by. Not all of them bought paintings, but they were interested in seeing what we do. And fourteen of the 18 paintings that I donated sold. And not just to my friends! :)

Senior Center Art and Craft Show

This painting is not mine, but the work of Connie, one of my talented students at Vicksburg Senior Center. She graciously donated a high quality print of this refreshing scene to the art sale that begins this Friday. 


I can't begin to describe my my delight in how this sale has come together. Some of my newest students are already able to paint well enough to offer work for sale. Their efforts and donations will help ensure that the art programs at the Senior Center continue next year. 


It has been a joy to see my students take what instruction I am able to give (and I am no professional!), practice, and develop their individual styles. It is fun to help budding artists realize that it is NEVER too late (my oldest student is 78) to learn a new skill. And this show gives them a chance to both show and sell their work. 


Local art lovers, come enjoy!


And don't forget those wallets!

3rd Place!

Tonight I received quite a shock when my friends came up to me at the Vicksburg Art Association Fall Show and told me I had won a ribbon for one of my watercolor paintings. 
I am honored for my name to be among those who have won many ribbons at VAA shows. Watercolor is always the category with the most entries and it is very tough to place in. 


Adding to my excitement was seeing two of my students from the Vicksburg Senior Center sell their first paintings tonight. I am so proud of them I could just burst! They have only been painting for about a year and to see their work sell at this show is just amazing. I don't know who was more thrilled, them or me! 


Next up, the Senior Center Art Show and Sale!

Beauty Shop

For the first time in his life, my husband had to get his hair cut at a "beauty shop." 


The longtime "old man" barbers in town, Monte and Mr. Clark have either retired or will be retiring soon. Long hours on their feet are just no longer possible due to age and health issues. These barbershops were more than just a place to get an "over the ears" cut or a flattop. They were social gathering places where men could get together and talk football, politics, and whatever else was on their minds. 


The shop I go to is not a "fussy" beauty shop. There is not a dab of pink anywhere. It is staffed by  "down to Earth" ladies who are quick and efficient. It took a bit of persuading, but I finally got my husband to let me make him an appointment. 


Turns out, my husband used to skate with the father and aunts of Amber, who cut his hair today. And he went to school with the older brothers of the beautician in the next chair, Rita. It was practically "old home week." 


Nothing will ever replace Monte's, but the transition does not seem to be as painful as I feared. And his hair looks terrific!

The Crash

I have had a lovely birthday week and now I am paying the price for overdoing!

Of course, overdoing is relative. I have gone from the woman who drove 160 mile round trip to and from Monroe, LA for three years to get my Master's in counseling, to the woman who has to come home and sleep half the afternoon after teaching a 2 hour watercolor class.

I have had an activity outside the house every day since last Saturday and now I pay. I have done little but sleep and watch football all weekend.

Ah well, this is my current reality and I deal with it as gracefully as I can. Even if my inner two year old is pouting!

Birthday

My 51st birthday has been one of the nicest ones I have ever had. It began with a overnight journey with my longtime BFF, Teresa to Greenville, Mississippi to pancakes at Jim's Cafe. While there, we also drove over the new Mississippi River bridge, a quite impressive suspension structure. http://www.greenvillebridge.com/, partook of pasta at a wonderful place called Shermans, and found a KMart. Yes, there are no KMarts anywhere close to me, so finding one is a treat. 


My second celebration was with my dear friends Norma and Denny Allman at the FrogHead Grill in Clinton. We shared cinnamon bread pudding and took the scenic route of old Hwy 80 on the way home, reminiscing about car trips on 2 lane roads taken in the "old days." 


Today began with my husband bringing me chocolate donuts for breakfast while I read dozens of wonderful birthday greetings on Facebook! Then we went to the Salvation Army Soup and Sandwich fundraiser for lunch. Afterwards, I told my husband that what I really wanted for MY birthday was for HIM to get a new laptop. The tiny AsusEEEPC that he has been using is excruciatingly slow and has many problems. So, after some protesting on his part, off to Jackson we went to Best Buy where we found him an HP laptop. 


While I was setting up the new computer, the rescues of the Chilean miners began. A perfect ending to a perfect day! 


And there are more celebrations to come!

Corpus Christi

Wednesday, my husband and I are off to Corpus Christi, Texas to visit his oldest sister and her husband. I have never been to this city or their home and I am both nervous and excited. 


Hopefully, I have covered all my bases. I called Southwest to make sure I would have no trouble with my scooter, my BiPap,(bi-level positive airway pressure)  or my many medications. After my experience in Cleveland with my BiPap I am gun shy! I missed my flight while bomb sniffing dogs were called to make sure this device that helps me breathe at night was not an explosive device! 


So, I am praying for smooth airport experiences and enough energy to be able to enjoy this trip. 

Silent Song

Two months have passed since I have been able to sing. It feels like a vital part of me has been ripped away. There is music I cannot bear to listen to when I am unable to sing along. 


I am thankful that I at least have my art to help fulfill my need for self expression. It does help fill the empty place that not being able to sing creates. 


Maybe by this time next month, I will once again be able to raise my voice in song. 

Off to Four Corners

Tomorrow morning, my 78 year old Daddy and almost 80 year old Stepmom are getting in their Chevrolet Impala and heading out to the Four Corners. This is where Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona all meet. 


They have no set itinerary. They are just going to drive as far as they feel like driving until they get there. I admire their spirit of adventure. I tend to be a "planner." I want my motel rooms booked and a route firmly mapped out. 


I admit, I am a little nervous as the 'rents go off on this adventure. I have the make and model of the car and the tag number in my cellphone. I made sure they had every number they might possibly need in THEIR cellphone and that Daddy knew how to find said numbers. They do not have a car charger, so I reminded them to plug that phone in and charge it EVERY night, no matter what. They are supposed to call one of the 5 assorted children every night to let us know where they are. And they are supposed to be in a motel by dark every night. 


I feel a bit like a nagging parent. I am both nervous and excited for them. As they become more limited by their health issues, I know that the adventures will be fewer and farther between. 


So I will be praying for protection and safe travels. And hoping they have the time of their lives.